What Does the Future Hold?

Micah is going to be 14 mths in a few days time. Two whole months should be enough for me to get over that, 'Wow! I can't believe that Micah is 1 year old' feeling. But if I am amazed at all now, it is with his development. After he goes to bed and all is quiet, we have time to reflect and to compare notes on what new things he has done.

What is in fact normal development for a toddler is something amazing to us - parents who've been here and done this would understand. If I am a scrapbooker, I'd be busy trying to paste all these moments into a book but I am not. I know relying on my memory is no use - I've already forgotten what I ate for lunch. So I guess blogging will help me recall.

Still it is difficult to capture his baby smell, his gestures and expressions with a camera and we are never quick enough with the video.

Today he tried to say 'press'. It didn't sound at all like press but I understood him. There was the 'Phh' sound while pointing his hands towards a button he wanted to press. David and I take turns letting him press the buttons on the fridge to change the temperature, the buttons on the hob to turn on the exhaust and the buttons on the security phone or intercom. Any buttons that makes a beep is fine - don't even bother trying to trick him.

He sure knows how to communicate by asking to be carried so that he can reach for things. If he wants to play the keyboard, he climbs onto my lap and leans towards the object and make some noises. When I guess right out loud, he will nod and smile shyly. Today when I was busy looking at some clothes at a store and David was just watching him, he decided to be pally with the sales assistant. He really wanted to touch the mannequins' head so he reached out both hands to the girl (who was absolutely delighted) asking to be carried and then reached for the head!

And he is an exhibitionist - loves an audience. Our friends indulged him at lunch today - carried him so that he could reach for the switches. On and off, on and off and he turns around to gauge the reaction from the crowd. We shouldn't have encouraged him with our laughs and smiles - he thinks it's fun now!

His new object of desire is the fan. He loves anything that spins so David took him for a walk to the supermarket and since it's summer, there are loads of fans for sale. He was in funland! His mouth opened to voice out a 'wah' and he couldn't decide which he wanted to touch first! On his way back home, he had his 2nd experience with a dog. The first happened in Melbourne but I think he was too young to react. This time he was fascinated - touching the dog without fear.

As I am writing all this down, I am suddenly struck by a thought. I guess this is what being a mother is all about.

You see...while I was in China or traveling around with David before Micah was born, I was jobless and directionless. I spent my time moaning and groaning (cooking in between and watching lots of TV series) that I didn't have a life. I had to keep reassuring myself that this is exactly the place God wants me to be. I needed to know His purpose for me. In retrospect (I only ever realize things in retro which is why when God is answering a prayer, I am always clueless) the time away from all things I was familiar was good and is still good for me, and us. It really gives us perspective on a lot of things in our lives. I have to say that I cherish those times but I won't say that I've stopped moaning or groaning since we are still cut off from all things familiar!

You see....again....I am guilty of always chasing after that elusive thing called 'a life' but not appreciating that it is happening - right here, right now. I said at all those melancholic times that once I had a child, I'd have purpose. Then Micah happened and I am still complaining - not about Micah, don't get me wrong. I still feel as if something is missing, like I am supposed to be elsewhere!

Slowly but surely I am realizing that the place I am in now, the situation, the circumstance are all exactly where God wants me to be. First He trained me to be patient and then now He is training me to be a mother and that is all I need to concentrate on instead of trying to think that I am supposed to have a life other than being a mother to Micah. (sounds sarcastic? - I don't mean it that way).

I think I was confused as to the role I was playing. First I wanted to be a career woman but then I got married. So I became a wife who still strived at being a career woman but I secretly wanted to be a mother. Then when it took a while to get pregnant, I had to deal with that. When I couldn't deal with it, I decided to quit working and take some time off - become a lady of leisure or so it seems but that wasn't working out either - too much guilty feelings because I wasn't doing anything with my life. And then I had an excuse to be a real lady of leisure when David wanted to work in China - a great excuse to not work. That didn't work out well too - David will attest to that! And finally when Micah came along, I suddenly became a mother. I should be fulfilled but here I am thinking, on some days, that I really want to go back to work!

As I grapple with this new role and adjust to it (still doing adjustments even after a year!) while experiencing Micah, that thought struck me earlier as I was journaling Micah's antics. THIS is what being a mother is all about and it is MY role for a long time to come.

When I recall at day's end all the little things that Micah has done, I feel a tightening in my chest, an overflowing feeling of love. And before I go to bed tonight, I will look in on him one more time, touch his face and take in the picture of him in peaceful slumber and I shall be reminded that this is the place where I am supposed to be and I am content.